Blog: Dreams Lost Dream Gained by Jessie Close

I was mulling over my life this evening.  I began to sink, to feel lonely and incomplete.  I searched myself, inside and out; I used a mental exercise that consists of an imaginary light that blinks as it runs the course of my arteries trying to find my mood and determine if this was me or an involuntary mood hitting.  Evening is the time low mood hits me.  The day is done, meals have been eaten, the light is leaving.  I began thinking about my life and what it was to be truly worthwhile.  I scrolled through scenes from my past and thought about how little I have accomplished.

I saw, in my mind’s eye, the careers I had tried to pursue and the moods, booze and drugs that kept me from them.   Ultimately, if I had not sought relief from my moods with booze and drugs, I should have been able to pursue any career I wanted.  But is this true?  If I had opted for the straight and narrow would my moods have let me alone?  The answer is no, but I certainly would have seen them sooner than I did.  Drugs and alcohol helped smooth out the peaks when I was manic but did nothing for me when depressed and actually made the depression worse.

I was born in 1953 when individuals with mental illness were housed in mostly horrible housing.  By the time I needed help with my moods, that is, by the time I asked for help with my moods, only imiprimine was available to me.  I do remember feeling better while taking imiprimine but I was still not very functional.  It took the pharmaceutical companies a long time to come up with Prozac and all the spin-offs that were created after Prozac.  I had no idea that an anti-depressant could kick me up into mania, which it did.  I had no idea that I needed a mood-stabilizer on board, as they say.  But, I was eventually led to better medication, which in turn led me to a better life; but, there were so many confused and chaotic years before stability that I mourn them.

I have read, over the years, articles written by people who don’t think I should be on medication.  They claim that diet and exercise can do the trick, that talk therapy can dispel the mood changes.  In my case I look back to when I worked out in the gym for an hour and a half every day and ate the good meals I cooked for my children.  I also saw a therapist at this time at least once per week.  I got acupuncture and massage.  None of these things relieved me from mania and depression.  I felt great after working out but when I was depressed I couldn’t get to the gym.  I didn’t take medication when I was pregnant and my moods ran riot but that can happen with any pregnant woman, right?

I know many people hate the pharmaceutical companies but I have seen how an idea, then research, then development, then licensing, then distribution, can take literally millions of dollars and many years before a medication is available to the public.  I am so very grateful to the scientists for coming up with the ideas that they do come up with and who take that idea as far as they can.  Some of those ideas become medication and it’s not simply medication for mental illness I’m thinking about, there are many conditions like diabetes and epilepsy that are recipients.

Yes, diet and exercise are hugely important.  I encourage all of us to eat well and exercise daily.

There were many careers I began.  I was in radio for a while and loved that.  I was a junior reporter for a while and loved that.  I wanted to be an attorney for a good while but depression and mania got in the way of my studies.  But the one thing I have always wanted to be, besides being a mom, was to be a writer.  And that, along with being steady with my medications, is what I have become.