Blog: Smoke by Jessie Close

Some idiot left a campfire without putting it out properly and now there’s a fire in the canyon and smoke spreading over three counties.  I drove to Bozeman today, through all that smoke.  But upon my return drive I pretended that the smoke was thicker and I could see the beautiful patterns it made when I drove through it; my truck’s grill cutting into the smoke, leaving streaming patterns along its sides, turning to swirls behind.  And then I thought, perhaps this is a good way to observe the world.  But then I thought, if the world was filled with smoke we would have to come together to survive.  But is that really true?  Do natural, or unnatural, events allow us to pull together?  If I wish it so, does that mean that I can make it so?

It seems that we’re all caught up in our own worlds, some with smoke and others not.  There’s a breeze today and the smoke is gone.  I had nothing to do with the clear sky no matter how hard I wished and prayed for it.  We are at the mercy of nature.  We are also at the mercy of human nature which isn’t as clear cut; both nature and human nature start fires.  Lightening and carelessness.

I definitely live in my own world.  I can turn on my TV and see as much of humanity as I want during the news.  I can turn the channel and see more humans saying and doing whatever was scripted for them.  I can turn on my radio or my stereo and hear the music that we humans are so good at producing. I can go to the supermarket and see many humans walking the aisles and putting whatever it is they want to eat into their carts.  When I don’t feel like being around people, but need to buy food, this exercise is sometimes torturous.  Especially when others’ carts are blocking my fast pursuit of food, making it necessary to say “excuse me, excuse me, excuse me”.  I have noticed that it’s the tourists who don’t heed the need to keep the aisles clear.  Perhaps they don’t understand that people actually live here, shop here, have a community here.  Not that I’m really part of any community except for me and my community of dogs.  Perhaps I’m the community recluse?  I really don’t know what people think of me around here.  I care, but not a lot.  I can’t help caring.  I am human after all with insecurities, self-examination, self-deprecation, faint neighborliness, self-consciousness.  I am shy, this I know, and shyness doesn’t help when in a supermarket.

What does all this have to do with Smoke? Blow smoke up your … Gonna smoke you… smoldering, reeking of, toking on, a drag, smoked salmon, smog.  Smoke can be a noun or an adjective; interesting.

Do I hide behind my own smoke?  Sometimes.  I won’t even begin to talk about how much smoke divides us from people who aren’t mentally ill.  There is much more smoke around me when I’m in a depressive state.  I had a husband who would tell me, when I was depressed, “I want you back!” which to me meant that he couldn’t see me anymore.  Once I was feeling better the smoke would clear.

There’s a lot to smoke and there’s a lot to human nature and nature.  I hope we don’t have anymore fires this summer.  But, if we do, I hope to be able to see the trees for the smoke.  Or something like that!