Medication Blues

I do leave many things until the last moment.  It takes deadlines to get me to sit down and write.  I don’t mind those deadlines.  What I do mind is picking up one of my medication bottles and noticing that I need to re-order.

I have a mental block against taking the steps I need to get a refill.  Perhaps it’s knowing that my checking account will be ravaged or, is it that I have to speak to some overly-sweet person I can’t see because she’s on the other end of the phone?  I used to be able to purchase my meds from the local pharmacy.  Thanks to my insurance company I can no longer do that; I’ve been forced to subscribe to a mail-order company which means I have to speak to a stranger for refills.

Sometimes I wonder how some of us are able to manage our medications.  I remember when I wasn’t functioning, before I had many years of dealing with bipolar disorder and my medications under my belt.  Then, when I saw I was about to run out of a medication, I would panic.  I knew what I had to do but actually doing it seemed such an unattainable chore.  But I did do it.

I believe the mental block about renewing a prescription has a lot to do with the one question we all ask ourselves: do I want to keep taking this medication or not?  I can imagine my psychiatrist’s frustration if I told him I didn’t want to continue with the medications he prescribed!  I have been under this man’s care since 2004 and he has been mostly patient with me.  When I ask to eliminate a medication he listens, considers what I’m saying, but kicks my butt just enough when I need it.  He reminds me how I was and how long it’s taken to get me feeling as well as I do.  I am productive, and I told him recently that I can’t feel my medications.  He replied that I’m not supposed to feel my medications, not when they’re balanced correctly.

Many many years ago I was under the care of another psychiatrist.  He diagnosed me with bipolar 1 but not the sub-headings that make a huge difference in the medications I take.  I was not well back then and to illustrate exactly how not okay I was, I thought this doctor was trying to poison me with the meds.  It took me a month to feel any positive effects and it was probably the worst month of my life.  Living through a haze while taking care of my daughter was torture.  Driving to the store was torture.  And the feeling of being poisoned did not fade until I began to feel better. 

I’m thrilled that there are now medications that don’t take a month to show results.  In fact, I’m grateful to the drug companies for developing better medications than just a decade ago.

I no longer feel as if I’m being poisoned.  I do take my medications every day and I do deal with refills when needed.  Perhaps I’ll always leave refills until the last moment.  Perhaps that’s just how I do it.  I am not being poisoned.  I am now fully functional. The right medications, if you take them every day, can change your life.