Amanda’s Story
This is part of a speech I gave at my college:
A sixteen year old girl went to her doctor’s office after a breakdown at school. The doctor diagnosed her with severe depression, gave her medicine and sent her home. After all, she had plenty to be depressed about. Her boyfriend had just died, and three months earlier, her brother had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The medicine alleviated the depression, but began a series of bizarre behavior. She began abusing drugs, failing classes, and being promiscuous. Her speech was rapid and disjointed, and her mind raced all the time. She rarely slept, was always irritable, and she seemed to have no impulse control. When she stopped taking the medicine, the depression returned, resulting in a series of highs and lows that went on for years. In 2007, at the age of 26, she swallowed a bottle of Advil PM. And that is how I came to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am here today to tell you what it is like to live with this disorder.
Living with bipolar disorder can be very challenging. A person with the illness can have moods that vary widely. My friends loved who I was when I was manic. They thought that I was fun and fearless. But they didn’t realize that what goes up, must come down, and they couldn’t deal with me when the high from being manic had gone away. That led to me being alienated from my friends and family, and ruined many relationships. When I was depressed, people would always ask me, “Why can’t you just be happy?”, and my response was, “Why can’t you just be taller? Because you just can’t, right?” I knew all of the reasons I had to be happy; I just could not make it happen.
Bipolar disorder is disruptive. You have to take medicine every day, sometimes more than once, and those medications have many side effects that are undesirable such as weight gain, dry mouth, decreased sex drive, and sedation. Bipolar disorder can affect a person’s ability to learn, concentrate, maintain jobs, and maintain relationships. When I am down, I can barely move, but when I am manic, I can’t hold a conversation, I can’t sit still, I can’t stand to be at work or school. I stay up all night rearranging my house, cleaning and making lists. I can’t even sit through a movie.
Bipolar disorder can be very confusing and can lead to a loss of sense of self, especially if there is a long gap between the onset of symptoms and the diagnosis. It can be difficult to determine if a particular behavior is part of their disorder, or part of their actual personality. Many people suffer from self doubt. They don’t know who they are, what they like, what they want to do, or what they want to be. Now that I am stable, I have had to realize that I am not who I thought I was. I thought that I was a fun, loud, outgoing person who liked to party. I’ve learned that I’m kind of quiet, pretty shy, and I’d rather stay home than go out. It has been a big adjustment.
Living with bipolar disorder has affected every single aspect of my life; from what time I go to bed to when I am going to have children. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have the support of my family and friends.